giving up


5 years and finally the reality is hitting me hard. Things were difficult but I always wanted to stand against odds. But now I really want to stop and start anew. Thank for everything. I was happy once. In a way I learned a lot from you. I always wanted to do my best and be your person. But, I think I never really mattered to you.

This is an old post that I wanted to repost.

I am not afraid to love you and am still madly in love with you to leave you. There will always be this one thing I never get used to: the idea of you being gone. When I think I reconciled, accepted, some way or other it just hits me all over again. Every day I live with the faintest of hope which may never come true. I hope that there will come a day when I can finally say “I did it, life was hard and I pulled myself through it.” That will be the day when I am the happiest soul alive.

The truth is I never planned to fall for you, it all happened way to fast. By then, I was already falling in love with you for the first time in my life and everything seemed new and exciting to me. I was happy that it felt like all stars had started to shine for me. Literally I was all smiles not only because of how beautiful life was but because you were there for me. I am complete without you. But with you, I want to be so much better. I want to be stronger with you.

I can’t choose who to love, buy I can’t choose who stays either. It’s deranged, bittersweet war. I either choose to keep the blazing fire alive or give up or let the fire die out. I am hurt with all this emotions. It hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. Even when I cry, I no matter want to keep that beautiful fire stay lit. I don’t want to have those “what if” feelings. I want to fight with all my might even if I don’t win the war. I will be happy that I didn’t give up during those countless moments when everything around atrophied.

I know I am supposed to forget you. I know I am supposed to move on. Tell me how can I, when you make me the happiest person and the saddest person at the same time. I want to call you just to know how you are doing. I want to ask why it was so hard to get over you. I want to know if you ever remembered me. I want to call you but I never dared to do so. I want to love you even if you are not mine to keep.
P.S: you are still my person, even if I’m not yours.
                                         - Grey"s anatomy.
Sometime in 2015”


Today
08.10.2017
00:00 am


Comments

  1. Ah that's sad thing you had and now it has almost been more than two years. Hope you've recovered and grown strong sa ;)

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    Replies
    1. Growing up is a very complex process. We never really grow unless we want to. Things don't change not because we can't, it's just that we don't want to. Everything has been the same from the start. But now am learning to accept the reality.

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  2. Beautiful expression of your heart out. Hope you can overcome it. Stay strong! :)

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