5 years and finally the reality is hitting me hard. Things were difficult but I always wanted to stand against odds. But now I really want to stop and start anew. Thank for everything. I was happy once. In a way I learned a lot from you. I always wanted to do my best and be your person. But, I think I never really mattered to you.
This is an old post that I wanted to repost.
“I am not afraid to love you and am still madly in love with you to leave you. There will always be this one thing I never get used to: the idea of you being gone. When I think I reconciled, accepted, some way or other it just hits me all over again. Every day I live with the faintest of hope which may never come true. I hope that there will come a day when I can finally say “I did it, life was hard and I pulled myself through it.” That will be the day when I am the happiest soul alive.
The truth is I never planned to fall for you, it all happened way to fast. By then, I was already falling in love with you for the first time in my life and everything seemed new and exciting to me. I was happy that it felt like all stars had started to shine for me. Literally I was all smiles not only because of how beautiful life was but because you were there for me. I am complete without you. But with you, I want to be so much better. I want to be stronger with you.
I can’t choose who to love, buy I can’t choose who stays either. It’s deranged, bittersweet war. I either choose to keep the blazing fire alive or give up or let the fire die out. I am hurt with all this emotions. It hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. Even when I cry, I no matter want to keep that beautiful fire stay lit. I don’t want to have those “what if” feelings. I want to fight with all my might even if I don’t win the war. I will be happy that I didn’t give up during those countless moments when everything around atrophied.
I know I am supposed to forget you. I know I am supposed to move on. Tell me how can I, when you make me the happiest person and the saddest person at the same time. I want to call you just to know how you are doing. I want to ask why it was so hard to get over you. I want to know if you ever remembered me. I want to call you but I never dared to do so. I want to love you even if you are not mine to keep.
P.S: you are still my person, even if I’m not yours.
- Grey"s anatomy.
Sometime in 2015”